Our bodies waking up
by blambrittana
Summary: Santana P.O.V of Brittanna kiss.
1. If You Want Me, I'm Here

_This is my first fanfic! So please go easy on me. The Brittanna kiss in 5x12 '100' from the P.O.V. of Santana Lopez. Enjoy... _

Oh God.

My heart has just dropped through my body, out onto the floor. By this point she has it in her grips, but it feels different to before. It's not like she could destroy me at any moment by telling me that she doesn't love me. She has my heart and all its strings but this time it's as though she holds it safely. She knows the power that she has over me, how my knees buckle to her, succumb to her, how my brown eyes are completely lost within the crystal blue of her own. She knows she could destroy me, but she won't. Not this time.

It's as though time has slowed down, the seconds spread out across days now, like when I watch her dance and the sixteenth second of a step lasts for days, all I see is her form move, her passion, her anatomy in my dreams...

Shit. She's leaned over to me and I see her beautiful blue eyes flicker down to see my lips as though with the intent to devour me. I can't do this. Don't kiss me. Please don't kiss me. Please don't –

My insides had been empty ever since I sung those words to her over a year ago. I will always love you the most. And when I could no longer love her it was like everything inside me had suddenly been drained, like my heart was the vastness of space, nothing but blackness, emptiness, soulless, apart from the stars, the memories. The memories of her. They were all that kept me going.

She touches my face, with her thumb placed on my cheek and her fingers on her neck... this is the greatest indicator of how much I know she wants me now. I always felt somewhere inside like this relationship was one – sided, that she just accepted being more than friends to avoid breaking my heart... but now I know. Brittany is taking charge... she wants me.

Her lips are so soft, she tastes so good, and I can't stop myself from moaning my breath into her mouth... I'm so ready to surrender to her. All I want is for her to take me, for her to taste me forever, I want to get out of here, I just want to go with her.

Dani. My Dani. No. Don't lean into me again, as much as I want it... my teeth hit her lips and her hand moves from my face even though I can see as she licks her lips she can barely control herself.

"Okay... um. It's a bad idea."

No. Don't look at me like that, please don't look at me like that. If only you knew how much I want you you would not be looking at me like that. I secretly love how she won't lower her hand, everything about her now shows me how much she desires to kiss me again, but I can't look at her or else I will shamelessly surrender.

There's a pause.

She turns to face me again. She looks at me so fearlessly and all I can do it stop from my whole body shaking. I can hardly look at her. I feel like a child again, and she is so strong. She knows what she wants.

"It feels really good to be around you. You make me feel like.. a girl again. Like my body wakes up."

It's all I can do to stop from crying, because these are the scenes that kept playing out in my head in those nights in Louisville where I could do nothing but cry myself to sleep. I can only just control my voice enough to stop it from shaking.

"Please don't do this, okay. I have worked my ass off to get over you."

She gets up and what scares me the most is that I cannot help but to stare... at everything. I hate when she wears jeans. I hate her stupid butt. I hate her stupid blonde hair, and her pink lips, and her waist when all I wish I could do was grab it and pull her closer to me, and kiss her lips, and run my fingers through her hair, and take her jeans off...

Dani.

But I can't, and all I can do is sit here in my rigidity, not daring to move, I feel paralysed, and I hate that she's standing over me because I feel vulnerable but in the best way. I feel like I'm hers, like she can protect me, not as though she can hurt me. She's my protector now when all I ever tried to do was protect her. Her staring at me makes me feel more beautiful than I've ever felt, like I need not to dress up anymore, but that I can just be.

Oh God. I would say that she begins to speak, but it's more like she begins to drip honey off of her tounge.

"I really wanna be with you, Santana. I've seen the world and I'm sure now more than ever that I belong with you. And I'm sure your girlfriend's great, but... you can't recreate what you and I have."

There is no malice in what she says, no resentment for Dani. I wish that she were wrong but the words she says are only confirming the fears that I have had for months, that I chose a blonde girl to date, because, well...

Shit. Don't lean into me again. Please don't lean into me again. My brain has told my body not to move, because if I were to move I would touch her and all my adrenaline would mean that I would never stop touching her...

Her hands are on either side of my legs and she leans to kiss me on the cheek. I never knew that lips could conduct so much electricity as to ignite everything in my body that I had missing. She has woken up my body, but I'm too scared for my heart to wake up with it because I know what will happen.

She saw my eyes flicker to her lips and she knows she has me.

"If you want me, I'm here."

Of course I want you.


	2. I Always Wanted You

I decided to go home – to my parent's house – after the whole Brittany debacle.

I figured that might be a good idea, but when I got there I immediately realised the error of my ways. Every single thing in my house reminded me of her. Everything was tainted with the auora of Brittany. As far as I was concerned, the whole of Lima was Brittany. She'd walked on every pavement, and danced all through the halls of McKinley, and... I said a few months back to Mr Schue that Lima no longer felt like home. It had only reminded me of everything that I had lost. But now that Brittany was here again, it did feel like home. It was home. Home was whenever I was with her. It had been three hours and yet I was still drunk off of her breath. As I drove home I began to noticeably shake. She had shook me to the very core of my being and we didn't even need to make love for her to do that.. she only need to touch me. Oh, God.

I just... as much as I am a bitch, I'm not a cheater. Well, that's a lie – I used to cheat on Puck and Sam with Brittany all the time, but that was with boys who I never really thought mattered because I wasn't attracted to them. They were only there to save face. But I did not plan to intentionally cheat on my girlfriend, nor did I intend to get back with Brittany when I came back to Lima. At the same time I felt as though this was something I could barely control – falling in love with her again. Those words just continued to echo in my head; "you can't recreate what you and I had."

You can't recreate.

You can't recreate.

Brittany's words became stuck in my head, and what was worse was that her voice was the only thing that I could hear. I was so transfixed that I didn't even notice the hot tears pouring down my face, staining it in these red streaks along my cheeks. I know what it felt like to have my heart broken, and here I was about to break somebody else's heart. I was nothing but a fucking hypocrite. I had to call her.

As the phone rang out, I swear I could feel my heart inching it's way up out of my chest slowly, threatening to evacuate itself from my body – again – except this time taking a different exit.

"Hello?"

"H- hi D-Dani?"

"Santana?"

"Y- yeah"

"Babe? What's wrong?" her voice cracked noticeably at the other end of the phone.

"I – I did something – well I didn't do anything – she kissed me – and I pulled away – but not soon enough – and I'm not this type of person – but it happened – and I don't-" At this time I was sobbing into the phone. I wasn't sure she could even understand a single word that I was saying.

"No..."

"No! Please don't – I never meant to hurt you. I never meant for this to happen. I knew that when I c-came back there would be a shock to my system from seeing her again but I d-didn't... I wasn't going t-to –"

"Don't, Santana." She was crying, but not as hard as me. "I can't pretend that I didn't know that this was going to happen and you can't pretend either." Her voice began to raise a little more with every word she spoke. "How could I have been so stupid! The way you spoke about her... the way you called her your b-best friend – when I only ever wanted to be your best friend... but you're the one that never let me in! I was nothing but your New York fling and don't try to tell me anything different. I was never going to make you happy... you're officially off the hook."

There was a pause, from both of us. I finally mustered up the courage to say something.

"I never lied to you. I – I always liked you. I just –"

"You always loved her more. And you couldn't love me... as hard as you tried. I'm not going to force you back here when you don't want to be with me. "The way she was talking was like she _knew _this was going to happen. How did she know when I didn't even know? Or did I? Had I just forced it out of my subconscious?

"I am so sorry."

"Like I said, you're off the hook. I'll see you around, maybe, Santana."

"I- -" But it was too late. She had hung up.

This was the most conflicted I had probably been in my life. On one hand I had just lost a great girl when I wasn't even certain I could trust Brittany again... but the thing was that I loved her. Wasn't that enough?"

I got out my phone.

_Hi..._

No more than thirty seconds later. It was like she had read my mind.

_Finally. Hi, babe. _

_What are you doing?_

_I'm sitting in my car at McKinley, thinking about you, about us, about all the memories that we had here, and I'm waiting for you to tell me you love me back. I'm ready to come and see you when you tell me that you love me too, and I'm not getting out of the car until that happens, so._

_What if you run out of gas? Then you'll have to get out of your car._

_Then I'd just run to you. _

I was sure I'd gone bright red, but didn't stop to check. My stomach suddenly dropped. If was all well and good for Brittany to be romantic and cute, but this didn't prove that I should be with her. She was so high above me. She would find someone better – Sam, even.

_No, you wouldn't. _

_You wanna bet?_

_No. I don't want you to run all the way here just to prove some romanticised, grandeur gesture._

_Don't use big words, babe._

_Don't call me babe, then. _

_Ok, babe._

_Brittany. Stop. _

_Never. _

_I know it seems like it now, but you don't want to be with me. Not really. _

_I've always wanted to be with you. I've wanted to be with you since I was thirteen years old. I wanted to be with you when I was with Artie. And Sam. I love them... as friends, don't get me wrong. But they were never you. They only served to fill the massive gaping hole in my heart. Like when Lord Tubbington gets really hungry and his stomach starts to growl, but he's on a diet, so he settles instead for his healthy food instead of his real cat food. You're my legit cat food, Santana._

_Should I be flattered? That you just compared me to cat food? Even though that was really sweet._

_I don't know, yes. I don't care, because I know you understood what I meant, because you didn't call me stupid or anything. But I always wanted you. I wanted you that time we both got into the Cheerios in freshman year, and we hugged because we were so happy, and then we pulled away from the hug and kind of stared at each other like we shouldn't have hugged for that long. I wanted you when you started to cry when you were drunk at school in alcohol awareness week. I wanted you when we first made love and you screamed my name really super loud but then tried to mask it like you were laughing because I had just ticked you, because you were scared your parents might be home, even though they weren't, and then we did it again in the bathroom. I wanted you everytime you drunk text me before you came out telling me you loved me and wanted me in your pants, and then again in the morning when you made an excuse that someone stole your phone or something. I wanted you when you were in New York and I used to dream about you all the time, and I kept your t – shirt that said Lebanese and I refused to wash it even though it was kind of rank. I've loved you forever, in my past life, even, and I will love you until the end of time. _

I read over it four times before I replied, because I was crying so hard.

_I love you, too. I want you, too. Come over. But don't run, it won't be fast enough. _


End file.
